Play at Your Own Risk
The Revolution that will no be Televised
Gamers, get your strong arm steady - the Revolution is coming and
preparation is a must. After their last system was donkey-punched by
competitors, Nintendo is looking for payback. Playstation 3 and Xbox 360
will surely be tight, but Nintendo is coming at them sideway with their
new system Nintendo Revolution. Button-pushers beware - last fall they
announced that the next-gen console's unprecedented controller will be
able to detect motion and use those detections to control your
characters within Revolutions games. Simply genius. You'll be throwing
'bows all over you mom's living room to kick Bowser's bottom. But that
got us thinking... what if Nintendo stopped making pansy-ass games with E
rating and used this new controller to bring some realness to the
Revolution? Free of charge, Mass Appeal presents a few ideas that just
might revitalize Nintendo's stock.
dirty dance dance revolution
Throw on your special sensory briefs and fingerless gloves and get nasty
to Nintendo's adult version of this popular dance game. The harder the
pelvic thrust, the higher the points. Make sure you're ready for the
ass-jiggle bonus round - if you can vibrate each cheek independently,
you automatically advance to the next level.
In no time you'll be humping the ground like Bobby Brown. Invite the whole family over and
teach 'em how to let their motherfuckin' knees touch their elbows!
Stripper pole sold separately.
super barrio world
In the spirit of Grand Theft Auto, gringos can finally take a spicy
journey inside the Mexican 'hood. After warping your way under the
border through a green pipe, keep one eye open for La Migra as you hunt
for menial work. The sensors are translating your every movement as you
perfect your professional skills - strawberry-picking, house-painting,
cooking Chinese food and other jobs left open by the lazy unemployed
local rednecks.
over the top: the game
Finally, Sylvester Stallone's 1987 arm-wrestling epic Over The Top comes
to your console. You play Lincoln Hawk, a street-wise trucker with
biceps of steel on a mission to earn respect from his bastard
12-year-old son while slammin' fists on tables like Wack-A-Mole.
Nintendo's sensors really let you feel the burn as you struggle
hand-in-hand with big, burly men in sweaty truck stops and musty men's
bathrooms across the Mid-west. But when evil actor Robert Loggia swoops
down and steals your boy, it's up to you to put your 18-wheeler on the
line to win him back in
the arm-wrestling championship of the world against your arch-nemesis, Bull Hurley. Don't forget your trucker hat!
ten crack commandments
Ever wonder if you have what it takes to get down with those keys and
bricks, but don't want to be bothered by the pesky moral guilt that
comes along with slowly poisoning your community? Sure, Biggie told you
never sell no white where you rest at, but even black Frank White would
be impressed by the Revolution's ability to detect you making slick
hands-off and poppin' them thangs at haters. But oh no - here comes the
re-up and you're running low on Arm & Hammer! Watch out for the jumpout
boys on your way to the store, and make sure those fiends keep
clickin'!
A small note from Sally Thurer, Art Director at Mass Appeal Magazine.
All manner of weird and wonderful stuff can be found on Arjan Westerdiep's remarkable site.
